The Depraved Still Ongoing Antics of Lucius Malfoy
by Duchess of Inkling
Summary: The racy madness continues, as the splendidly gorgeous Lucius Malfoy and his sardonic sidekick, Severus Snape, embark on yet another hilariously warped sequal, now the fourth, of this rather persistent story.
1. Chapter 1: Lucius Malfoy Loses An Eye

(A/N: Gentle readers! Welcome to the fourth edition of the extremely stupid adventures of Lucius Malfoy, as documented by me. I do not see how it could have come this far, but we shall give it another go and if this story beaches somewhere and dies, it would be a natural death rather than a cruel murder, I suppose. In the meantime, however, let us have some fun, and I do expect my reviewers to have a reasonable literary standard in their written works by now. Now come, gentle reader, and huddle contently in this story's warm lap.)  
  
**Chapter 1: Lucius Malfoy Loses An Eye  
**  
"That's ridiculous," said Lucius Malfoy, "My eye is right here!" To prove his point, he pointed his finger at it, and accidentally poked himself in the eye. "Oooow! Noo! I've gone blind!" he called, stumbling around in a panic.

Behind him, Severus Snape just sighed and shook his head.


	2. Chapter 2: Barbecutie

**Chapter 2: Barbecutie**  
  
(A/N: Dedicated to my overly class-conscious late grandparents, who insisted on wearing gloves, coats, hats and other nonsense in the middle of summer. Stylish.)  
  
It was a sunny afternoon, and Severus Snape was attending an exclusive (that meant only him and Lucius) barbecue hosted by Lucius Malfoy. Of course they were sitting under a large, tasteful black umbrella, and sipped drinks while they watched Spazzy repeatedly burn himself as he attempted to roast what looked like the remains of Richard and part of Diarmuid Gavin on a huge, evil-looking barbecue on the porch at the back of Malfoy Manor. Nonetheless, it was very stiflingly hot for two people who never went outside, and insisted on account of decency on wearing their normal robes, cloaks and other apparel, including gloves. To create some extra shade for the sensitive skin on his forehead, Snape pulled out a hat and put it on. It was the only hat he had, and he only wore it in cases of absolute emergency. At least, that's what he told himself when he did not want to admit that he was rather extremely fond of it. Lucius, on the other hand, burst into very quiet giggles the moment he saw it. He stopped when Snape turned to look at him, and then started again.  
  
"What??" asked Snape.  
  
"Nothing." Said Lucius, and snorted with laughter.  
  
"WHAT??" said Snape, annoyed.  
  
"Are you Australian as well as Scottish?" asked Lucius.  
  
"No, of course not!" snarled Snape. "Stop being so ridiculous."  
  
"Then why are you wearing a hat with corks on strings dangling from the rim?" 


	3. Chapter 3: His Bark Is Worse Than His Bi...

**Chapter 3: His Bark Is Worse Than His Bite**

"Woof, woof!" said Severus Snape, as he chased Harry Potter across the Hogwarts grounds. "Woof woof! Woof woof woof!"  
  
"Do something!" said Harry, running past Hermione and Ron.  
  
"He's gone mental!" said Ron, as he gazed wide-eyed after Snape who came speeding by. Hermione just nodded, and tried to come up with a plan, but even she could think of nothing to stop Professor Snape from acting like a dog.  
  
"Woof woof woof!" Snape said, jumping up against the tree Harry had climbed in an attempt to escape the rabid professor.  
  
"Oh, don't worry," shouted Lucius Malfoy, who had appeared suddenly at the foot of the tree, to Harry. "His bark is worse than his bite. Isn't that right, Severus?"  
  
"Woof woof," said Snape. 


	4. Chapter 4: Mini Lucius

**Chapter 4: Mini Lucius  
**  
"Well, what is it you wanted to show me?" asked Snape, as he came crawling through Malfoy Manor's fireplace. Lucius grinned knowingly, and snapped his fingers. Immediately, Spazzy came tumbling into the room, attempting to carry a large box-like thing. He put it down, or rather, let it fall to the ground, made a few odd noises, and spazzed off again. Lucius stood next to the box, rubbing his hands in anticipation.  
  
"I present....." he said, opening the box. "........mini Lucius!" From the box popped up a very small dwarf-like man, who exactly resembled Lucius, only 3 times smaller. Snape just stared at it incredulously.  
  
"It's........you...." he said.  
  
"It's me, only smaller!" said Lucius, grinning triumphantly.  
  
"But.....why?" said Snape, unable to take his eyes off the miniature Lucius, who looked back at him menacingly, whirling its tiny cane.  
  
"Well, as we both know, my son isn't doing a very good job of being me, so I decided to make an improved version!" said Lucius.  
  
"Lucius, isn't that a bit............... insane?" Snape said.  
  
"No, it's a great deal saner than my original plan was," Lucius said, gazing down at his creation fondly.  
  
"What was your original plan?"  
  
"Making a man, with blonde hair and a tan, who was good for relieving my.........._tension_." sang Lucius. 


	5. Chapter 5: A dreaded sunny day

**Chapter 5: A Dreaded Sunny Day, So Lucius Malfoy And Severus Snape Meet Where They're Happy And See Eachother At The Cemetery Gates**  
  
(A/N: Even though Snape's not actually in there. But JK Rowling will know what the title refers to, harhar.)  
  
It was a sunny day, and Spazzy opened the door for Lucius Malfoy so he could go outside. Lucius took one step, and then fell to the ground, screaming dramatically. "AAAAARGH! My eyes! It burns!" he cried, before crawling back into his house.  
  
It was a rainy day, and Spazzy opened the door for Lucius Malfoy so he could take a walk. Lucius took one step, and fell to the ground, screaming loudly. "AAAAAARGH! It melts me!" he cried, and had Spazzy carry him back inside so he wouldn't get mud on his robes.  
  
It was a windy day, and Spazzy opened the door for Lucius Malfoy, so he could get some nice fresh air. Lucius took one step outside, and fell to the ground, shrieking frantically. "AAAARGH! The wind! My hair!" he said, and shuffled back inside.  
  
It was a frosty day, and Spazzy opened the door so Lucius Malfoy could enjoy the beautiful, beautiful cold. Lucius took one step, then fell to the ground, clattering his teeth frozenly. "AA-AA-AA-Aagh!" he stammered. "I-i- 'm f-f-freezing!" and jerkingly crawled back into his house.  
  
It was a day on which the author could no longer think of any other meteorological conditions, and Spazzy opened the door, so Lucius Malfoy could go outside. "Ah, what a lovely day for evil," he sighed, drawing a big breath, and stepping outside with sprightly pace. 


	6. Chapter 6: Moustache Man

**Chapter 6: Moustache Man**  
  
Agitated whispers followed in the wake of Lucius Malfoy as he strutted around Hogsmeade. Everywhere, people stopped and stared after him. Of course, this was nothing new- but what was different about these whispers from the ones that usually followed him like overexcited verbal groupies, was that these were accompanied by soft, derisive laughter, and in the eyes of his usually fawning or hateful or frightened audience, was now not the glitter of awe or anger, but one of amusement. In other words, everybody was (though careful not to let him notice) laughing at him. Yes, laughing. As he whirled into the Hog's Head, and shut the heavy door behind him with an authoritative and manly BANG, the street outside filled with muffled giggles. Luckily, he was not able to hear it, as the walls of the Hog's Head were thick and he had other things on his mind. Such as Severus Snape, who was sitting waiting for him at a table at a window. By the way, the window was smudgy, and overlooked an alley, so he could not see anyone laughing at him either. All in all, he was totally oblivious to the commotion he had caused around town when he sat down, sweeping his robes beside him gracefully, and turned to Snape, who sat frozen, gazing at Lucius' mouth in fascination. "Severus," said Lucius. Snape did not appear to hear him, but simply sat, staring, his glass of Firewhiskey forgotten, balanced dangerously in his right hand. "_Severus_, stop staring at my mouth," said Lucius, slightly irked. "Now is simply not the time for _that_." Snape did not reply, just continued to stare. Then, ever so slowly, his face contorted, and his body started to heave with the oddest spasms, as he started to omit a strange, rasping sound.  
  
"Hee......heee......heee..." he rasped, starting to fall over, eyes aglow with malicious mirth. His face was turning a light shade of pink, the equivalent of normal complexions turning purple.  
  
"Severus, what _is _it??" Lucius snarled. His friend was acting like an idiot.  
  
"Did..... some.....thing......crawl......on......to......your....lip.....and.........die?" heaved Snape. Lucius brought up a finger and touched his new moustache lightly, then sighed grimly.  
  
"That's the last time I follow any of Lupin's advice on facial hair fashion." He grumbled. 


	7. Chapter 7: Meat Is Murder

(A/N: It seems Smiths references are running rampant in my titles these days, for which fact I apologise. Also, I hereby strongly request reviewers to send me an email if they want to ask me something urgently. I do not have the time or urge to look up yours and reply to a question you lazily asked in a review. Otherwise, thank you for your time and attention and kind words. Also, be sure to have a peek at my new work- an action comedy that has gasp shudder A PLOT! It's called "I eat ur brane kthnx" and is nearly as stupid as its title. Sincerely, The Duchess)  
  
**Chapter 7: Meat Is Murder**  
  
"I have suddenly and without any thought at all become a vegetarian, therefore I wish to purchase some vegetarian food," Lucius Malfoy informed the shop clerk, who looked at him with a cynical look on his face.  
  
"Been listening to The Smiths, have you?" the shop clerk said.  
  
"How did you know that?" Lucius Malfoy replied.  
  
"Years of experience." was the man's answer. "Anyway, I'd advise you to buy some soy products. Or eat a lot of extra cheese."  
  
"Oh, I have no shortage of cheese, thank you." said Lucius Malfoy, winking saucily.  
  
"Er.....right." said the shop clerk, raising an eyebrow. "Oh, and of course you could try vegan products, such as lupinburgers."  
  
"Lupinburgers....." Lucius Malfoy said thoughtfully. "Oh, I think I have some of those at home. Thank you." He waved his cane in salute, and left the shop.  
  
That afternoon, a shabby, malnutritioned brown streak came flying out of Malfoy Manor and ran away across the grounds at top speed. "AAAAAAAAAH! NOOOO!!!! I AM NOT YOUR FOOD!" it screamed.  
  
"Come back here, you!" shouted Lucius Malfoy, chasing after it, carrying a knife and fork and licking his lips hungrily. 


	8. Chapter 8: Remus Lupins Of The World, Un...

**Chapter 8: Remus Lupins Of The World, Unite **

****  
It was a cloudy day, and Remus Lupin was sitting just outside the front door of Malfoy Manor, his arms folded over his chest, gazing at the ground moodily. Behind him, Lucius Malfoy opened the door slightly, and looked through the creak at his thin, stubborn-looking back. "What do you think you're doing?" he asked Lupin's back.  
  
"I'm on strike!" declared Lupin.  
  
"On strike? Don't be ridiculous, my property does not go on strikes." Lucius said, and snorted disdainfully. "Now come back into the house."  
  
"No, I'm on strike!" Lupin said. Lucius raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Why are you on strike?" he asked.  
  
"Because I can't survive on five breadcrumbs a week!" Lupin shrilled.  
  
"Oh." Lucius thought for a moment. "Shame, though. All that hot, molten chocolate going to waste." He said, apparently thoughtlessly. "Yes, now I'm going to have to eat that extra chocolate pudding with chocolate fudgenut topping all by myself." He sighed, for dramatic effect, and saw, to his delight, that Lupin's back began to quiver. "Oh well, I will just have to, if you're on strike. And otherwise...............we can always throw it out." He smirked, as Lupin was now trembling uncontrollably. He began to close the door, waiting for Lupin to crack.  
  
"With fudgenut topping?" Lupin said, in a very small voice.  
  
"_Chocolate_ fudgenut topping." Lucius said, opening the door again, and grinning broadly. Lupin whimpered with yearning, and stormed back inside. "I'm _good_," Lucius said to himself, and slammed the door shut.


	9. Chapter 9: Lucius Malfoy Shows Severus S...

(A/N: Aaaa'rrrr, ye scallywags! Odds, bobs, hammer and tongs, I am afraid updating on this beauty may be a little slow right now as I am concentrating on my new story- ye know, the one about the brains. But, obesity and bunions, if ye useless landlubbers do not give me 50 reviews for that story by the end of the week, I swear upon my hook that I shall not update these for at least a month. And ye may lay to that. Sincerely aa'rrrr, The Duchess.)  
  
**Chapter 9: Lucius Malfoy Shows Severus Snape His Fingers  
**  
"I have ten fingers," Lucius Malfoy said to Severus Snape. He showed them to him. "You can count them if you want; one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven..." He looked very confused for a moment, then started over. "No..... one, two, three, four, five, six seven, eight, nine, ten..." He looked ecstatically from his hands to Snape. "See! Ten."  
  
Snape stood looking at him with his arms raised and one eyebrow crossed. "That's it. No more Miffy for you, Lucius," he said, blasting a hole in the television Lucius did not own. 


	10. Chapter 10: L'Enfer, C'est Lucius Malfoy

**Chapter 10: L'Enfer, C'est Lucius Malfoy  
**  
(A/N : Ha, I'm so smart with my titles!)  
  
Severus Snape was sitting in "Le Baron Noir", Hogsmeade's obscure but very much existent French pub.....er, pardonnez-moi, French café, wearing a black turtleneck, and gazing moodily down at his cup of black coffee. He was holding "Les Mains Sales," for decorative purposes, and, even though he was not reading in it, making notes in the margin with a (black) pencil. Jacques Brel's "Les Bourgeois" was playing softly in the background. When the author was done name-checking, the door suddenly opened and Lucius Malfoy entered the café, looking bewildered.  
  
"Severus!" he said, "What on earth are you doing here?" Snape looked up from his drink, glared at Lucius for a moment, then continued what he was doing in indignant silence. Lucius Malfoy tentatively walked up to him (he didn't want to catch anything French), and sat down opposite Snape, who kept on gazing, turning the page of the book every now and again.  
  
"Severus...." Lucius began again, but Snape stopped him with a gesture of his hand.  
  
"It's Sèvérus, please," he said. "Sèvérus Rogue."  
  
"Yes, er, well," Lucius said, confusedly. "What are you doing here? Why are you wearing a black turtleneck? Why are you reading Sartre?"  
  
"I am mourning." Severus said, looking at Lucius impressively. "Because whatever choices I make, a lot of them are doomed to be the wrong ones." And he went back to his book.  
  
"Yes, so?" Lucius said, nicking the biscuit from next to the cup of coffee. Snape let out an exasperated sigh, letting his book fall from his hand onto the table.  
  
"Aargghh! Now how am I ever going to be the artistic, misunderstood, deep, depressed, and melancholic man people want me to be if you keep interrupting me!!!!" he snarled at Lucius, whose face lit up.  
  
"Ah, it worked! I knew you'd go back to normal!" Lucius said brightly, taking him by his arm and dragging him out of the café. 


	11. Chapter 11: The Loo At The Zoo

(A/N; I know, it's weird. Inspired by the loos in Blijdorp Zoo, Rotterdam, that really are like this. Any gratuitous slash suggestions are part of my efforts to please Lady Twatterby.)

**Chapter 11: The Loo At The Zoo**

After an exhausting afternoon of tempting small boys with sweets, Lucius Malfoy and Severus Snape finally found the zoo's toilets. Snape waited at the sinks, feeling slightly nervous in a muggle's loo, while Lucius went through a door to the proper loos.

He opened a door, and behind it was a set of other doors. Thinking one of these had to be a loo, he opened one, but behind it was another set of doors.

'How odd.' He thought, and opened a random door. Behind it was yet another set of doors. He opened the door next to it. Behind that door were more doors. It was the same for every other door, so in the end he just walked through one, and opened one of the doors that lay behind it, only to run into more doors. "Where are those bloody loos," he growled, slamming door after door, getting more and more lost in the very forest of doors as it unfolded before him. After a while, he was beginning to feel rather tired, and decided that there had to be another building with loos in it somewhere else, one that wasn't some kind of sick joke.

"Severus!" he called out. After a few seconds, the answer came, sounding very far away;

"Yes? Are you lost again?"

"Yes!" he answered. "It's a labyrinth in here!" He thought he heard Snape sigh and say "Not again...." before the distant slamming of a door. And then another door, and another, and another, and another.... The sounds slowly began to fade away as Snape also got lost, until finally............... all was silent.

"Well, that's it." Lucius said to himself, and sat down on the tiled floor. After a while, he started feeling hungry, and he had just begun eating what was left of his sweets (he couldn't stand the stuff, but he was dreadfully bored), when suddenly, a door behind him swung open, and Lupin came in.

"LUPIN!" Lucius said, jumping up, storming towards him, and flooring him in grateful affection.

"Hello," said Lupin casually, his voice slightly smothered by Lucius' body. Then he noticed the sweets in Lucius' hand. "Are you going to finish those?"


	12. Chapter 12: Science Fiction Double Featu...

(A/N: I'm beginning to feel I could fill an entire series with all the stories I can make up about the silliness of the Prisoner of Azkaban film. Partly inspired by the wonderful Evadne, who made me realise the vague thought that had been nagging me for ages. Alphonso Cuararararaoroan, what a funny little man you are, to paraphrase the non-genius of Bosie.)

**Chapter 12: Science Fiction Double Feature Picture Show**

"Do not turn to page 394." Snape said authoritatively to the cowering Defense Against the Dark Arts class, as a screen unfolded behind him. With a scary 'click', a hazy picture appeared on the screen. Snape's face contorted into a wide smirk. "Today, we're watching slides!" He stepped aside, and with a flick of his wand the projector went on to the next picture.

It was a picture of Lucius Malfoy in Grecian shepherd's costume. Several students sniggered. Draco Malfoy hid his face in his hands. "This is Lucius Malfoy in Knossos. We went there last year!" The picture changed. This time it was Snape in a Grecian shepherd's costume. No-one in the class dared laugh. "Ah, yes, we had some good times in those Grecian shepherd's costumes..." Snape said. At least half the class (mostly men), looked ready to be sick. The rest ranged from disinterested (those who didn't get it), to very interested (their names will not be mentioned). Another 'click', and on to a picture of a muscular, bronzed Greek boy.

"This was Georgios, he was our sla....guide for the first two days." Snape said. The class raised a few eyebrows. Click. "This is Fabio, he immigrated from Italy. He was our guide for the three days afterwards." Click. "These are Proitos and Akrisios, they were twins. They showed us around the....er....hotel. Yes." The procession of portraits went on, and on, and on, and the class' faces were turning ever more extreme shades of green. 'And now, the coupe de grace,' Snape thought, and click!

"This is me and Lucius skinny dipping in the Mediterranean," Snape announced, and smirked in satisfaction as every student in the class passed out.


	13. Chapter 13: By Snape!

(A/N: Ah, PG Wodehouse, my formative author! My comedic mentor! Just consider this chapter to be a slight, inadequate tribute.)

**Chapter 13: By Snape!  
**

Severus Snape was sitting around one night doing Snapey things, when a huge peacock suddenly came swooshing through the window. It dropped a note on his desk, landed on the back of an armchair, turned, and flew out again. Snape picked up the note, checking the seal though he already knew who it was from, and opened it. "Severus," it said, "I am in enormous trouble and need your help. Please come over at once. Lucius." Snape sighed, took his cloak and went off into the night.

When he entered the Malfoys' drawing room, thoughts of doom and death in his mind, he was rather surprised to see Lucius sitting at the pretty Rococo writing table, looking intensely confused, and apparently trying to approach a piece of paper with a coloured pencil.

"Lucius, what are you doing?" he asked, walking towards him.

"Sssshh!!!" Lucius said, directing the point of the pencil at the paper. Just as it was about to touch it, the pencil suddenly swayed away, and it landed about a centimetre away from the initial position. "Ah, no!" Lucius said, throwing down the pencil in exasperation. "Why can't I do it?"

"Do what, Lucius?" Snape said.

"Colour between the lines of this damn colouring book!!" Lucius growled. "I found it in Draco's room, and I just can't seem to colour between the damn lines! Look!" He took up the pencil again, and very slowly and carefully lowered it to the paper. Just as the tip of the pencil was about to touch it, it suddenly went into a completely different direction, making a huge line across the paper. "See!" he said.

"Lucius," Snape picked up the pencil, and closed the book. "That's your enormous trouble?? A colouring book?? Why on earth would you want to be colouring, when there are Muggles out there just aching to be tortured?"

"Muggles?' Lucius asked hopefully. "Out there?" Snape nodded. He leant closer to his friend.

"And I heard that Lupin finally got a job and is going to buy himself back from you." He said, in a low voice.

"No!" Lucius said. He stood up. "It's outrageous! Something must be done!"

"Indeed." Snape said. "So let's go." Lucius grabbed his cane, and they both disapparated at the same time.

'Well,' Snape thought, as he walked back across the Hogwarts grounds, 'I certainly would give Jeeves a run for his money.'


	14. Chapter 14: Rubber Lucius Malfoy, You're...

(A/N: In my superior opinion, Lucius and Snape greatly resemble Bert and Ernie. Hence this tribute, and Lucius acting so oddly. I had to make him more like Ernie, you see. I fear I have been doing too many tributes, when I should be pulling people off their pedestals. But I promise that shall happen again next time. In The Meantime; enjoy. Oh yes, and anyone who sends me a Frank N Furter rubber duck will get his/her own episode of these stories. I bet you'll be fighting over who gets to send one now. )

**Chapter 14: Rubber Lucius Malfoy, You're So Fine, And I'm So Glad You're Mine**

****

Severus Snape was diabolically sleeping, when he suddenly woke up because of something clutching him so tightly it was difficult for him to breathe. Panting, he turned his head, to see Lucius Malfoy was lying next to him in bed, clinging to him like a clingy thing. "Lucius," he wheezed. No reaction. "LUCIUS!" he rasped. Lucius' eyes opened. "What on earth are you doing in my bed? Wearing the most terrible striped pyjamas I've ever seen?"

"I couldn't sleep, Bert." Lucius answered, snuggling up to Snape some more.

"Stop that, you're choking me," Snape said, wrestling free from Lucius' grip. "And _what _did you just call me?"

"Well, Bert," Lucius said. "if you don't want to keep me company, I'll just talk to Rubber Duckie instead." A squeak came from next to him. "See, Rubber Duckie still likes me."

"Stop calling me Bert." Snape said. "Don't you have a wife you can go to when you can't sleep? Or a son, for Slytherin's sake?"

"Say, Bert......."

"My name is not Bert."

".....Bert, there's a banana in your ear."

"There is_ not _a banana in my ear."

"Hehehe. Well, it's your ear. He's silly, isn't he, Rubber Duckie?"

"Squeak."

"Stop pretending that toy is a thinking creature. Go to sleep."

"Okay, Bert. One sheep, two sheep, three sheep, four sheep....."

"Stop counting sheep, Lucius.....is that a sheep on my right? Aaah! Get it off! Why is my bedroom full of sheep? No! no! Let me down!" Snape began to panic as he was carried around his bedroom by 15 sheep.

"That'll teach him to ignore me when I try to tell him there's a banana in his ear." Lucius said to his Rubber Duckie, turned over, and fell asleep.


	15. Chapter 15: Kiss And Make Up

(A/N: This Chapter was inspired by a conversation with Lady Lizzie (that's also her penname, go and read her work), during which we discussed the sexual titillations that a fight between our dear Professor and his 'friend' would bring on. It is also a Super Special Jubilee Chapter, as it is the 75th chapter of the series in its entirety. Celebrate!)

**Chapter 15: Kiss And Make Up!**

"Why don't you go fondle Fudge, harlot!" Severus Snape said, as he came stumbling through the drawing room of Malfoy Manor, randomly shooting hexes over his shoulder as he ran.

"Oh, and why should I listen to a man who has to give out detentions to have a good time?" Lucius yelled back at him, throwing a huge china vase against the wall just behind Snape's shoulder. "And one who uses the word 'harlot', too!" He dodged a box of cards that came hurtling towards his eye.

"At least I don't have to ask someone else to find out what it means!" Snape snarled back, jumping onto a sofa. "And if it bothers you so much, I'd just as eagerly call you a bimbo instead!"

"Just try and deny that you're just jealous of my good looks!" Lucius ducked, and threw himself forward, narrowly dodging a nasty looking spell that singed the carpet next to him.

"Slut!" Snape said, scrambling to the other end of the sofa.

"Bitch!" Lucius answered through a cloud of smoke, as he crawled across the floor towards Snape.

"Whore!"

"Twat!"

BAM! Lucius had grabbed Snape by the ankles and pulled him down.

POW! Snape smashed a nearby artefact on Lucius' head.

SNARK! Snape grumbled an insult in Lucius' ear.

PLOOT! Lucius was paying attention to something other than what Snape was saying.

Within seconds the two were in each other's arms, on the ground, among the smoke and shards of china. "Works every time, doesn't it?" Lucius murmured.

"Like a dream," sighed Snape.


	16. Chapter 16: Oh, What A Beauty, I've Neve...

(A/N: An Important Announcement: As I post this, I am also posting a Brand New Story for your moist and loving appreciation, which happens to be a very funny and brilliant, and it is your own loss, gentle readers, if you do not read it.)

**Chapter 16: Oh, What a Beauty, I've Never Seen One As Big As That Before...**

It was a rainy afternoon, and Lucius Malfoy was busy sculpting things from clay, when Severus Snape came in. He had been rather bored, and happened to know Lucius was having a quiet afternoon in, and thought he might crave his company. He looked around, to see the entire drawing room was full of rather suggestively shaped clay objects.

"Er, Lucius....." he began, eyeing the sculptures suspiciously.

"Hhmm?" Lucius said, absorbed in his art.

"What is.....all this...?" Snape said, motioning towards the sea of obscene sculptures.

"Oh, I'm attempting to make a model of the Tower of London, but somehow it doesn't come out right....." Lucius said, letting go of his clay, and looking at it critically. "There is something wrong, but I just can't figure out what...." Snape cleared his throat.

"Oh, the Tower of London...." He said. "Well, it does not look like that, but it certainly looks like _something_." Lucius raised an eyebrow.

"Like what?" he said. As Snape kept quiet, he looked at the bunch of clay before him intently, cocked his head to one side, squinted at it, and after a few moments, realised what it looked like. "Oh......I see....." he said. "Well, I'd better get rid of these then, before Draco comes home and nicks one."


	17. Chapter 17: Illegally Blond

  
  
**Chapter 17: Illegally Blond **

"Lucius, what on earth are you doing in my N.E.W.T level potions class?" Snape said, as he was surveying his classroom. "And why are you wearing pink?" Lucius, who had been scribbling notes with a fluffy pink pencil, looked up and smiled charmingly.

"Sorry? Oh! I need a N.E.W.T to be accepted for Auror training." Lucius flashed another smile at Snape, who was reminded rather forcefully of Gilderoy Lockhart.

"Why do you want to be an Auror?" Snape said, looking slightly disgusted. Aurors, eew!

"Well, remember I had been dating that Narcissa Black II for two years? One night she invited me for dinner, and I was wearing my best dress, because I thought she was going to ask me to marry her, but she dumped me instead! Because she said she needed someone serious if she was ever going to get anywhere in the Death Ea... I mean, Ministry. She thought I was some sort of bimbo! So I am determined to prove my intelligence and superiority by becoming the best Auror there ever was! That ought to show her!" Lucius said, waving his fluffy pen, and smiling.

"Lucius," Snape said, closing his eyes as though he wanted to shut out the demons of stupidity that were tormenting him. "You're already married."

"I am?" Lucius said, smoothing back his hair. "To whom?"

"Yes, you are! To Narcissa!"

"Oh." Lucius said, blankly. "Well, I'd best be going then." And he took his miniature werewolf in a handbag and tottered out of the room.


	18. Chapter 18: Sanders Of The River

(This Chapter dedicated to Paul Robeson's smashing –and very nekkid- native African outfits in the film Sanders of the River)

**Chapter 18: Sanders Of The River**

It was a lovely day, and Severus Snape came into the main hall of Malfoy Manor, only to see Lucius Malfoy sitting on top of some sort of crawling _thing_, which made an awful commotion as it moved across the floor, eating away the top layer of the floorboards as it went. Snape stopped dead in his tracks and stared at the thing suspiciously. "Lucius, what is that and where did you get it?"

"I-I-I-I f-f-oouuuun-n-nd iiit-t ii-n-n-n Aaaarth-th-thuuurr Weaaaasl-l-ley'sss sssshed!" Lucius called out, making a narrow turn in front of Snape, who hastily withdrew his feet. "D-d-don-n-n't kn-n-nowwww wh-aaa-t-t iii-t-t iiiss b-b-ut it-t f-f-feeels g-good-d !" The thing splintered a few floorboards as Lucius skirted the wall. "J-j-joooiin-n-n m-m-mee!" Lucius said, making a beeline for Snape. Just as it was about to hit Snape in the shins, it stopped.

Snape was looking like he'd rather cuddle Potter than climb onto this raucous monster (the machine, that is, not Lucius....) , but after a few glares from Lucius, he gave in and joined him, sitting behind him like a girl on her boyfriend's motorcycle. "Right, hold on!" Lucius said, and underneath them the thing jerked into motion. It vibrated wildly, and Snape was holding on for dear life. He was about to rebuke Lucius for doing this to him, when he suddenly began to see what Lucius saw in this. "Say," he yelled above the noise, moving his hands down a little, "This is rather nice!"

Lucius turned and grinned at him, but at exactly that moment the front door swung open, and standing in the doorway was none other than Arthur Weasley, a waning smile on his face. "But Lucius!" he cried, dramatically, "You promised _me_ a ride on the sander tonight!"


	19. Chapter 19: Lucius Malfoy Takes The Bus

**Chapter 19: Lucius Malfoy Takes The Bus**

"The bus??" Lucius Malfoy exclaimed, as Snape told him about his next mission. He had to go undercover into Muggle London and retrieve a certain Squib, who apparently had important knowledge of something top secret. "Can't they get someone for the job who knows what a bus even is?" Snape shook his head.

"Everyone is pureblood, except the Dark Lord himself." He said. "But there is a short explanation of what a bus is and how it works included." He handed Lucius a note, turned, and strode away. "Good luck!" he said as he swirled through the door.

"Thanks a bloody bunch." Lucius muttered under his breath as he glared after Snape. He folded the note open. There was a picture of a sort of box on wheels on it, and to the topright corner of the sheet a ticket was attached. "'Bus: motorised vehicle for public use. Admission is a ticket, attached to the top right corner. Take the 126 to Whitechapel, get off at the 7th stop.' Well, at least it's comprehensible." Lucius said to himself. He tore the ticket from the note, folded the sheet of paper up again, and put it away in a pocket of his robes.

He then walked to the middle of the room, and started to wait. He was still standing there when Narcissa came home four hours later. "Why are you standing in the middle of the room?" she asked him.

"Stop interrupting, this is a very important mission." Lucius said, irritated. Narcissa snorted, and walked away again.

The day turned into night, and the night turned into morning. Lucius Malfoy was still standing in the middle of the room. "Where _is_ that bloody bus??" he grumbled to himself.


	20. Chapter 20: I Can See The Attraction

**Chapter 20: I Can See The Attraction**

Lucius Malfoy wandered casually into the Knockturn Alley branch of Harrods (yes, they _are _that evil), walked straight on to the men's accessories, and started to browse around. He picked up a pair of pretty black gloves, which he tried on, and then a nice black briefcase with silver buckles, followed by several scarves, a fur hat, two more pairs of gloves, four umbrellas, some tie pins, and a spare cane.

Carrying all of this in his arms, he sauntered towards the exit, taking a hat for Narcissa on the way out. Immediately the shop clerk accosted him. "Sir, you haven't paid for those." He said, blocking the exit.

"Yes, I have!" Lucius cried dramatically, "I paid for them with my body!" The shop clerk looked puzzled for a moment, then stopped to consider, a slightly disgusted look on his face. Lucius, taking advantage of his confusion, slipped out of the store, and into the street. "Works every time!" he said to himself gleefully.

(A/N: My dears, another day, another series completed. I do hope you enjoyed the ride we had, bumpy though it was, and that you shall stay for the next round. Yes, there probably is a new series coming quite soon, which shall be the Very Last One, I promise. You heard me, reader, after that one there shall be _no more_ Pureblooded Antics of Lucius Malfoy. Ever. Or at least, I shall try my best to stop writing them. But, as I said, it is only _probable_ that that last series shall come into existence, not _certain_. In which case this was the last story. Oh, how sad. But I advise you to check back and see what happens, as it happens. Stay tight, gorgeous, and willing, gentle readers, and a fond farewell from your Duchess.)


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